I doubt..... I guess, I believe

9:59 PM - 19-Nov-2008 - comments {0} - post comment

Who is more faulty here?.....

Me because I allow you to cheat me or you to cheat me?

Me because I run after you or you who never had and will never have time for me?

Me because I don't think about myself when think about you or you to be just so selfish?

Me because I still waste my time and energy after you or you who doesn't care about it?

Me because I suffer to see you happy or you who never even feels when I'm hurt?

Me because I do write such bakwass to make you read in future or you who made me write this?

1:21 AM - 9-Nov-2008 - comments {0} - post comment

Pity on me.....

I can't even describe everything because I'm so fearful.... I don't want this to happen..... he can tell me that he will definitely slip if some good figured girls comes in front of him.... and he won't believe me for what all things i do, just to be with him.....

Will he ever understand, what I feel for him.... am listening to Show me the meaning of being lonely..... and many such..... but crawling is the best today.....

1:01 AM - 9-Nov-2008 - comments {0} - post comment

I hate me to love you....

I hate me when I stop having weired questions to myself..... stupid text I write at times..... cries while driving so when I reach, I can say its because I drive fast my nose and eyes are full of water.... I don't cry from nose, ok?.....

I don't know where I'll reach after this.... I may end up badly..... but I am happy that this is what I have chosen for me.....

Its not that I don't understand..... you should be happy as I am allowing you to cheat me because I want to be with you..... am so selfish I am allowing you to cheat me......

What if, I'd have said no..... stupid question..... don't act atleast..... it doesn't suit you..... I know, you can't miss aaloo when you've bhindi.....

1:27 AM - 5-Nov-2008 - comments {0} - post comment

What to say?

I was just laughing whole the day..... and..... I end up crying under a shower..... as I dont like to see me crying.....

10:50 PM - 19-Mar-2008 - comments {0} - post comment

I know.... yes... I know....

You are allowed to do anything with me till I love you.... you can cheat me... fuck me... crush me... vanish me..... destroy me..... sell me..... but only, till I love you.....mine is always a blind love..... and will remain too.... unless it is conveyed by you... strongly.... repeatitively..... I dont believe in signals....

I thought, you'll stand by me when I'll be in trouble.... but I find nobody around.... but what ever may come... I'm not gonna go back with that bastard.... all the things I cant share with everybody..... not even with Jaadi.... but I cant forget those two incidents..... people are wondering, how can I let go him so easily.... but I'm not gonna leave him... he'll be punished.... for sure.... I'm just waiting for the right time....

I wanted you to be with me boss.... but you'll never have time for me..... but still I love you....

9:59 PM - 5-Feb-2008 - comments {0} - post comment

I love....

I love dancing these days...... it is required.... my energy needs to be channellized.... I love to see myself.... after that..... sweating like hell.... those drops of salty water.... when they start from my neck.... travels down.... I like to watch them in mirror....

10:58 PM - 7-Jan-2008 - comments {0} - post comment

My Today......

Well, My day starts fom the night...... when I start sleeping with good thoughts for something, someone.....

I slept around 2:30 AM but couldn't sleep till 4..... So many things are there inside my mind.... I just need to flush it out....

Got up... did some meditation.....washed dirty, stinky shocks of brother and father.... went for routines..... had breakfast..... Nani has made Thepla, but I didnt get any taste out of it... ha ha...

Went for an interview.... nice infrastructure.... did like that little fountain in center.... indeed, it was center of attraction....

HR round was excellent, I could see that she will take me in any case but in Technical Round..... fffffooooooooossssssshhhhhhhhh........ ha ha...... they are expecting a person who is well conversant with the latest technologies.... .net, php. etc..... and I am still at C++ and Java.....

I did talk with dad after a long like I used to do it earlier..... did cook in the evening.....

There is no spice in life yaar..... need something..... let me just complete this exam..... it sucks yaar...... just 10 more days......

12:02 AM - 6-Jan-2008 - comments {0} - post comment

After a long time.....

Feeling ups and downs....... certainly.... emotional....

cant say, living on different planet like earlier.... quite an improved version of older one.....

I'm back........ not dreaming at all...... My foot are there...... on earth.... I know.... what I am..... my limitations..

I know...... what people want from me.... fat stomach turns off..... no more attraction, I can see..... not for the object..... not for the subject..... and me?...... dying yaar......

Again and again...... I'm realising that....... be an essential commodity or else.... you know.......

I want to please..... but dont know how...... I dont want to disturb, but I do.... I just love.... dont know why?....

Cant even dare to say it....... I do care for you..... I love you..... and may be there is a fear because..... I dont know why?..... dont want to know......

Not able to justify my feelings..... but its ok...... I just love him.... anything for him.....

Here, I pray to the almighty to give him all that is good for him.... I know, I'm not good for him.... but I'm not selfish there.... I love you a lot....

I love you....

12:37 AM - 5-Jan-2008 - comments {0} - post comment

Flying high in my dreams........ with me.... just me........

Hey....... yeah!...... thats me........ flying high...... can you see?....... neah...... you cant..... I am in my dream......... this time.... I'm gonna fly high, otherwise too....... I want nobody in between.... I'll go my way.... I'll decide it........ I know, what I want...... I know, where I'll go...... no problem...... I am ready for all consequences........ even repurcussions....... I am ready if I am totally crushed..... I am ready to pay for my decisions..... but it wont be a good idea to do what others want me to do and than ...... you know...... it always happen.......

I'm in touch with a person who teaches me a lot...... lot of politics in relationships...... in life........ at times, the person hurts me a lot..... and everytime when I decide, I will never talk to this person..... I realize, the one is not wrong in one's own way..... and hence, I am learning..... yes, it is painful at times........ many times........ but the one is my God these days....... I adore the one....... hats off to you boss...... lol

11:20 PM - 11-Dec-2007 - comments {0} - post comment

I know where I am going...... I know what I am doing......

I can sense it from somewhere...... I am on the right track...... just few days to go...... I am being stronger once again....... I am feeling the power inside me...... just come and see..... I am what I am..... I'll be what I want to be..... My dreams..... yeah, they will take physical shape....... these wounds will help me getting back my directions...... I am no longer the lost entity....... I am back........ with more inner power this time..... I need no one..... I'll get what I want......yes, my ultimate goal........ I have waited long enough...... now, the time has come for me....... I can come out of shadow of others....... in fact, I must start doing that..... I am happy with my self....... because, I am an INDIVIDUAL....... and not the reflection of others...... I am pure..... I am natural..... I am the original beauty......

I know, there are lots and lots of "I"s......... but I know, I am the one, responsible....... for my life.......... for what I'll be facing tomorrow....... and only, I am the one responsible, for what I am facing today.... so, when I ask you to hold me, I just need to be in your arms for a while, to take some deep breath, to have your warmth, to feel that you are closed to me, to feel good.....

6:33 PM - 16-Nov-2007 - comments {0} - post comment

Getting myself again.........

hello.......

I think I am getting my self back once again............ I am not so far.......I am almost there...........about to reach........

2:12 AM - 26-Oct-2007 - comments {0} - post comment

No title today........

I am realizing myself....... day by day, I can know me better.......I am seeing how I am being shaped by myself...... I dont like Hypocrites...... I feel like killing them....... I love many people.......I cant ignore my parent's happyness.......I miss my brother.........I need lot of money to spend..........I can kill anybody because I think Death is the only solution, be it a death of mine or yours.......It may cause some new troubles but yes, it is the only final solution.......I feel like killing me when I see people are unhappy because of me, but at times I also think of those people who make me unhappy.......do they think of killing themselves because they make me unhappy....... no, they dont think so.......so, my thinking that way would be very much unjustified........so, the another root....... let me kill them.......because the Death is the only solution.......

more later.......... I'm not finished yet...........

2:06 PM - 25-Sep-2007 - comments {0} - post comment

When things become routine........

When things become routine.......it loses its charm........its freshness.......its livelyness........thats what people have to say about the things which becomes routine.....when you get something regularly.......you feel satisfied.......you think, I am having enough of it, i need a break now........

If I tell you about myself, I also agree with this upto some extent........ I like particular kind of food..........when I started having it on regular basis, I started feeling satisfied........I started searching new in it..........and even after some efforts, I couldn't find something new, I stopped eating.......

same happened when I got chance to do the activities I like........I did it until I was satisfied, now I want something new.........and I am comfortable with it.....

But, it had never happened with me for people.......can feelings be there in that list........if I love you today........If I love you tomorrow.......If I love you everyday.......... you will fade up of it........so what should I do?.........should not I love you everyday........should not i call you everyday...........should not I be part of your life.........than what should I do.........should I leave you alone........even if I feel you need me or I should be with you, as a companion........

but here my point is, feelings someone have for someone......... does that get routinized.......than God saves them all..........all who are loved by me........ I am going to love you everyday........whether you want it or not........thats it.........and if you are bored with it, please convey that to me so that I dont waste my time here after you........

2:45 AM - 20-Sep-2007 - comments {0} - post comment

Wonderful Day I had

One of my Darling friend lives in some far place these days....... I wanted to meet him since long.......but somehow it was not possible...... and suddenly, he made a plan, called me there, arranged everything for me and we stayed together for some 8 hours.......

I like to be with him....... for long hours........for days together........may be for a life time...... or I dont know

He took me to the Dam......... we threw some Chana in water.......and in couple of seconds..... lots of fishes were there.....initially some small fishes were there and gradually big also came....... enjoyed a lot....... entire dam was surrounded by hills.......and those hills were covered by dense jungles......

Than he took me to the site....... he showed me entire plot and what does he do there and lot many things...........we talked a lot..... i didnt like him smoking, not because SMOKING IS INJURIOUS TO HEALTH.......... but I think, he doesnt need it........ I like watching him.......when he is talking to me.........doing his work....... ordering people yet maintaining due respect to the opposite person.....

Than we departed for some 2 hours....... as it was needed........ a smart move to cover the fallacy......

Than we met again and went to his farm house.......on the way, when he was buying a water some one met him...... i think he didnt like that incident at all.......he asked everybody not to disturb him for coming hours..... I liked him when he was talking about studies and health..... LOL

We reached there........what a beautiful place it was....... no words to explain that beauty....... that place was surrounded by hill at three sides.........the building was quite old and that adds into the serene beauty of that place...... He show me the home....... he was sharing everything......... he was sharing his mind...... he was sharing his life..... he got the skin of snake

Than we moved inside the home...... i hug him.......... we kissed each other for some time....... I was eager to be crushed by him....... we made love........oh, I am feeling him now...... he makes love so nicely...... so lovingly........ after some time we sat in balcony he took drink, and didnt allow me to have it....... and we were talking and looking around and touching sometimes......... he showed me Fire Flies....... that was indeed a wonderful eye-soothening scene....... and than we departed......

I really wish, if I could stay with him even after that....... that was one of my wonderful day of life....... being with the person you like, love, adore.......... its all about exeperiencing the life.......

3:08 PM - 17-Sep-2007 - comments {0} - post comment

This is what I feel today........

Why do I feel anything....... and at its very extreme I become numb........ listening to sound and not the song....... eating the food but not feeling the taste.......... sleeping but not taking rest....... passing the days in life, and of course not the LIVING..........

But what is this all about at the end of the day? Why? For what? To whom? For whom????

I am just numb. After a long time, having this feeling in my mind. At certain point in life, I feel, where is the Real Aarsi? Was she there? Neah..... than where?

She wants to be nowhere and yet every where...... feeling so down today........ I am having headache.......... I am having all sort of pain, but I know they all are imaginary....... I know, my mind is a good actor.........

I want someone to hold me........ believe me I am not hungry for sex...... but people always take me that way, when I start talking this..........I need no relation, I need a true companion........ than even if we end up in bed I dont have any problem........ But what I want to do now is very clear in my mind........ I want someone to hold me...... if i can sleep in someone's lap........  feeling the gentle touch of fingers moving in my hair........ removing unmanaged hair from my face....... massaging forehead......... and I'll sleep....... like that only.......

I just want to sleep......... sleep............ sleep........... and sleep..........

2:56 PM - 2-Sep-2007 - comments {0} - post comment

Thought of Introduction But ...........

Do any whisper give his/her introduction before touching your body first and than the mind, may be the soul at times by brushing up some memories.........Have you ever asked about identity of any butterfly....... Do you ask that little creature from where you are coming and where will you go......... that little rose, in a garden, smiling at you, may be expecting the same smile...... do you ask that beauty, why?........ do you notice breed of the puppies playing roadside...........do you notice the gender of the clouds.......

Than why me? Why does it matter whether I am a male or female? black or white? fat or thin? long or short? good looking or mirror cracking material? married or unmarried? having boy/girl friend or not? virgin or not ?

Come on....... I am here to live....... I am here to love....... The nature has accepted me....... thats the proof, I'm still alive........ I am fit for this earth, who ever I am, what ever I am....... than why do you bother?

I dont want anybody to decide about my being fit for anything....... for my life........ for my different roles in life......... I can better do that....... and only I can properly do that....... because only I know, what is Aarsi......I know the Aarsi completely........ I know her when she is there.......all alone in crowd....... and also......with all her collegues in her dream world....... when she is in his arms....... when she is with him in her thoughts.......

I know her........when she laughs infact when she wants to cry....... and oh those drops of tear, in her note book, during lecture........ when she listens to the kick start of a bike...... when she smells somebody right by her side........ when she feels shy, with sparks in her eyes.......

I have seen her laughing........ I have seen her smiling...... I have seen her serving people without any damn expectations....... I have seen her when she was alive....... I have seen her when she was dead.......I have seen her when she was fucked without her consent....... I have seen her stimulating herself....... I was there....... everywhere.........with her......... I know.......... she is different........she is Aarsi......

All those who are reading, this is just my style, when I say, "You", its not you exactly, never the one, but still some "You"........ or Some of  "You".......

3:02 AM - 30-Aug-2007 - comments {0} - post comment

Trying it for you.....

5:55 PM - 14-Feb-2004 - comments {0} - post comment